Wednesday, November 06, 2002

you have always heard stories of people who have let THE ONE get way. right. well i am trying so hard to prevent the from happening right now. i dont want to end up one of those people who end up writting their stories for books like chicken soup. i want to be one of those lucky people who follow their heart and find love somewhere in this fucked up world. well actually its a bit more twisted than that. see i have found my first love and hes all i think about. problem is my best freind in the whole world is going out with him. here let me explain(this will be a long piece i hope your prepared)
about four years ago i was up at jessica's (my best friend) farm. we love to go there to get away from the city, relax and ride horses. well neways we also love to race our four wheelers, and that is what we were doing when cupid shot me. i was in the lead and coming around the curve really fast. out of no where came three guys so i swerved to miss them and just kept going. i went another mile or so and stopped at the fork in the road to wait for jessica. when she caught up i told her that i thought that we should pretend to race around again to get a better look at those guys. we went around again, passed them ,kept going, and stopped at the fork. jessica had her eye on the tall blonde guy, but i had my eye on the brunette(michael).i decided to go around again but jessica didnt want to so i went alone. i caught up to them again, but this time they saw me coming and had built up a chain so i had to stop. i took a look at them. i looked at michael and i felt my heart jump.he was so cute. when he smiled at me i had to look away cause i felt like i was blushing so bright i had to or i would be soon matching the four wheeler. they asked me for a ride up to the hill a few miles away. i said sure and went and dropped them off. when we reached the hill, i let them off and asked if they lived around here. they said yes and started walking off. the whole time i swear i didnt take my eyes off michael. that night i was thinking about him and how i felt when i saw him. i know it sounds corny but i do believe in love at first sight after that. i couldnt pass up that feeling. i had to meet him again.i convinced jessica to come with me to the hill where i had dropped them off and from there my plan was to drive really slow and see if they would come outside. a few minutes later we came to the end of the road. we had never been this far and didn't know where to go but the raod branched off to the left and i remembered that there was a fork in the road so we went left on the off chance that it was a circle. well it was. a mile or two down the road i saw michael in his front yard. my heart jumped again. from across the street i saw jimmy(toby's cousin) and toby(the guy jessica was checking out). they once again flagged us down. they explained that michaels house was at the other side of the pasture where i had dropped them off. they had just walked across. we all talked a while, introduced ourselves, and decided to meet the next morning at nine in front of michaels house. we did and they showed us around. then jimmy and toby had to leave( they live in tomball) but michael lived there in timpson. we all exchanged numbers and kept in touch. everytime after that me jessica and michael have hung out everytime we visit up there.that new years eve we invited michael camping with us.that night was the first time i had ever seen snow. well as shit happens jessica hooked up with michael just to make me jealous and ended up falling in love with him. michael in return still calls her that addictive drug he cant stop using(in other words he is madly in love with her). they dated on and off for two years.then they broke up "officialy" for a year and now they are back together. everything was ok i guess until they had sex. now she doesnt call me when she wants to talk . she calls him. i am being slowly replaced by michael.i have known her for 10 years and only known michael for four. i was always ok with them two leaving me out the first two years and ignoring me but this is too much. yesterday i realized i still love michael. i cant commit with any another guy because i love michael so much. this restricts me from moving on with my life and forgetting about him.i cant though. once you have loved someone it is hard to is hard to let go of.people always say that after a while they get sick of that one person, well lemme tell you. its been four years knowing him and watching from a distance, but i can truely say one thing. I WILL NEVER BE TIRED OF HIM.i have a poem hanging on my wall and its moral is that love defys all things and love will NEVER give up. as jessica always says "get over it he chose me and not you. it was his choice" well i guess so.
i told michael that i was still in love with him yesterday and he left me in awkward silence... so i hung up. everytime he tried to call back i wouldnt pick up. i have used all my courge for now. i dont want to know an will probably be "i cant ,i love jessica." i have not waited to tell him for four years just to hear that. so, im giving up on love. i cant move on. i cant have him. i lose either way it goes. i guess im just hopeless in love............maybe one day ill finally get to know my heart.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

ok hi my name is laurrell.i am 15 and so lost in this whole love crap. i look around and see all these people so happy and i get the feeling inside that im missing something. i feel empty. i want this to be a team blog for those who have felt the same, feel the same, or are about to give email is or get back to me.